


Maybe I Can

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex Danvers is a Gay Mess, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst and Feels, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Please Don't Kill Me, Sanvers - Freeform, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, idk about smut yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-05-28 03:02:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15039248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alex Danvers is a professor at NCU, National City University. She suffers from severe anxiety and depression, but one of her students, Maggie Sawyer, is there to help. But, things are hard, and it’s difficult to help someone who refuses to accept help.





	1. Brown Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I got drunk and deleted this, but I put it back up? Sooo, hopefully the people who were reading this before find it...

She didn't know if she was feeling too much or nothing at all. With every passing second, a million thoughts flew through Alex's head making her fall deeper and deeper. Yet, every breath felt empty, like she was just a hollowed out shell of herself.

 _I don't deserve to cry. People are going through way worse and they aren't crying. Why do I deserve these tears?_ The the thought ran through her mind on a loop. She was never one to cry, but tonight she couldn't not cry.

She couldn't help but get mad for letting herself become weak. She was supposed to be strong, and she'd only brought these tears upon herself. She didn't feel like she deserved to cry, as though tears were an award of some kind. She forced the tears back to the point of feeling physical pain. She was stronger than this, or so she told herself.

This wasn't the first time she'd sat alone on the couch at night, battling the urge to replace her beer with a glass of something stronger. Or two. Or five. She spent most nights alone with her thoughts. Normally, she'd drown the thoughts out with Netflix or whatever was on tv, but tonight she couldn't find it within herself to chase them away. These she couldn't shut off.

One thought gnawed away at her, however. Alex hadn't had a best friend since she was in grade school. Sure she had her sister's friends, but she never really felt a part of their group. She always annoyed everyone with her science talk when everyone else just wanted to let loose and talk on mindless subjects. Alex couldn't do that. Her passion for science was One of the the biggest parts of her life, so being a professor at National City University was a dream come true. She got to help mold the minds of young people at one of the best colleges in the States. Albeit she wasn't much older than most of the the students she taught, she craved the joy she felt watching them, the same love of science she was familiar with in their eyes. It was the only thing that brought her happiness.

Alex, wanting nothing more than someone to talk to, finally cracked and began to sob into the pillow she was hugging when she began to think about how she didn't deserve a best friend. She had made a lot of casual friends over the years, but none of them made an effort to really get close. She knew she didn't get along well with people, but all she wanted was someone to hug in replacement of her pillow. Someone who wouldn't run when they saw what went on in her head. That's why she refused to let herself ever open up to anyone, even pushing them away when they got too close. She knew it was her own fault that she had no close friends, but it still pained her. It was her deepest wound.

She got up and walked to the kitchen, attempting to control her sobs. She grabbed one of her bottles of Jack Daniels and headed straight back to the couch, not bothering with a glass of any sort. Once she had her sobs under control, she took a deep breath and chugged. She cringed at the burn, but continued until she was about to puke. She put, almost slammed, the bottle down. Smirking at herself, she already began to feel the edges of her pain dull.

Warm. She felt warm.

After about thirty minutes of laying absentmindedly on the couch staring at the ceiling, the thoughts began to rush back. They all came at once, more intense than before. She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. Even closing her eyes wouldn't subside the spinning in her head, the thoughts became more unbearable. She sobbed harder and harder into the tear soaked couch cushion until she couldn't take it anymore.

She pushed herself up and wobbled to the bathroom. She didn't bother wiping away the tears that blurred her vision. She flung open the cabinet above her sink, almost too violently. Surveying the contents, her eyes settled upon a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of mild tranquilizers. Grinning, she reached out to grab them. She struggled to open the bottles, but when she did, she poured the contents into her jacket pocket.

She whispered "for the road, " before giggling to herself.

Alex saw the clock read "11:42 pm".

She plodded to the door of her apartment, Jack Daniels in hand, and stumbled into the city. She figured if she was going to go, she wanted to go in the most beautiful place she knew. The city. Her city. The lights that glowed late at night, never settling. It made her feel less alone in her own mind, but at the same time made her feel even more alone. Of all these people, she wondered why none wanted to be her friend. She made her way to the park nearby and walked along the path.

"Goodbye trees," she announced in a melodramatic tone. She waved her hand at the trees. "Goodbye bench," she whispered as she sat down, petting the bench. She was going to miss this bench. It was her thinking bench. Long hours were spent sitting here, whether studying or escaping her sister who visited more often than she enjoyed.

She dug her hand into her pocket and grabbed a handful of pills. No more tears remained in her eyes - she wasn't sad. She was sure with her decision. She, in fact, had never felt happier. The end just in grasp - sweet relief.

She tossed the first handful into her mouth and gagged as she attempted to wash them down with her drink of choice. She realized that was too many pills at once. So, she choked down the pills in her mouth and began to take the pills four at a time until her pocket was empty.

She felt nice. She pushed herself up and decided to walk the path until darkness finally consumed her. The path curved along the outside of the small pond in the center of the park. The moon reflected in the water, the street lights too. A light glow, ominously beautiful. She saw the trees border the field that sat parallel to path, too beautiful to describe in words. She tried her hardest not to bump into people, mostly young couples, hands intertwined. She felt a pang of jealousy seeing them with what she'd never had.

She ended up ditching the pesky, almost empty bottle behind because it was too much work to carry.

She bumped into someone and it took all she had not to just topple over. "Sorry," she mumbled.

"Dr. Danvers?" She heard. She still hadn't gotten used to being called 'Dr.' because she had gotten her Doctorate at such a young age. It felt too formal for such a young woman - practically still a girl. She chuckled and met eyes with this woman.

Brown. All she saw was the brown eyes, shining in the dull glow of night. She got lost in the eyes that seemed to hold her captive before realizing that she'd been staring for an unusually long time.

She recognized the girl from class; the girl who was constantly coming into class late.

"Yes?" Alex slurred, trying to maintain a teacher-like composer, but failing miserably. However panic began to set in as her knees felt wobbly. She knew within seconds they'd buckle, and they did. She felt like she was sinking but also falling from 100 feet up, but strong arms caught her. The girl carefully helped Alex down to the ground and sat next to her. The girl kept a tight hold on Alex's upper arm. The cold air of late November was no match to the warmth that radiated from their close proximity.

"Hey, are you okay?" the sweet, almost angelic voice asked. Alex wanted to look at her in the eyes, but her vision had began to darken at the edges and she felt herself being pulled into sleep. She smiled at her last sight before she nodded off. She was glad that such a pretty face was the last thing she'd ever see. A soft face, dark brown hair, and matching stunning brown eyes.


	2. Go Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya know... I tried to hold off and not post this yet, but fuck it. I have 7 more chapters already written and I’m gonna post them.

"Hey everyone, I'm Professor Edge! I'm going to be indefinitely taking over for Professor Danvers." The students all perked up from their almost-dead state that was usual for the 8:30 class, which most students regretted taking so early. Confusion was apparent on everyone's faces, considering their normal professor never missed a day.

"You're probably wondering why, but sadly I cannot share the unfortunate details, not even why she is in the hospital on the brink of death. It's not like they'd share with me that she almost died at her own hands. That'd just be weird."

Everyone was obviously confused and concerned. Concerned both that their professor was in the hospital, and that this nut job was her replacement. He seemed way overdressed and awkwardly out of place. It was obvious he had never taught a college class, yet he seemed well into his fifties. Maybe he used to be a highschool teacher.

Nobody liked him. Well, one person did. His best friend, a smart, young man named Lex Luthor.

\---------

It was around 4pm the next afternoon when Alex slowly opened her eyes, shielding them from the seemingly blinding light. Her head was pounding and it felt as though she'd just taken a swim in the Arctic. It felt like someone was trying to rip out her intestines while simultaneously blending them. She heard a shuffling next to her and a small sigh. She rubbed her blurry eyes in an attempt to focus on the source of the noise. After a few seconds, she looked to her left and saw a familiar face. She couldn't place where she'd seen her.

Her brown eyes were sad and it hurt Alex's heart.

The woman gave a slight grin trying to comfort an obviously confused Alex, but the worry hidden deep in her eyes was unsettling. Slowly, Alex remembered those eyes and everything began to come back to her. Sitting on the couch - alone. The alcohol, the pills, the park. And then she remembered this girl from the park. A pit grew deep in her stomach.

Alex felt shame.

She pulled the flimsy sheet, of what she assumed to be a hospital bed, over her head and rolled her body the other way. She didn't want her student, let alone anyone, to see her like this.

"Go away," she said, but it came out as a quiet whisper. It only made her feel weaker. A single tear fell from her eye. With everything she had failed at in life, all she wanted was to do one thing right. Yet again, she failed. She didn't want anyone to see her fail.

She nuzzled into the pillow and tried to hold back a sob but failed - a hiccuped sob escaped her mouth. Suddenly she felt a hand on her back and she stiffened. In a more stern voice she repeated "Go away." She felt sad being rude to this girl who seemed to care enough to stay by her side, but she also felt guilty for taking up the girl's time. The woman backed away to the corner of the room, not wanting to leave her professor alone, but also not wanting to overstep more than she already had.

"Alex!" she heard the familiar yell of her sister and her running towards the room. Bracing herself, Alex tightly gripped the sheet around her head. She didn't want to see her sister. She didn't want her sister's prying questions or pity. She wanted to be alone. She wanted everyone to just leave so she could bury herself deep into the sheet and block out the world. To soak in her shame.

"Alex," Kara repeated, more calmly this time. "Alex, look at me. Alex," her sister pleaded, desperation clear in her voice. Kara felt horrible. She had gone to see Alex the previous night, but she wasn't at her apartment. She figured Alex was out doing something Alex-y. Kara ended up going out and getting blackout drunk with her gang and woke up late in the afternoon to a missed call from an unknown number.

She'll never forget the voicemail.

_1:26 am -_

_"Ms. Kara Danvers, you have been listed as the emergency contact for Ms. Alexandra Danvers in case of an emergency. Please come down to National City General Hospital as soon as possible."_

Completely oblivious of the other woman in the room, Kara began to cry. Alex refused to remove the sheet. She didn't want to see her sister crying tears she couldn't help but believing weren't genuine. How could she really be sad? If anything, Kara should be helping her try again, though she knew Kara wouldn't let her know the truth - that she was a burden, just someone always in the way.

Alex felt the bed sink in as Kara laid next to her. Cautiously, Kara put her arms around Alex and laid her face on her back. Kara was racking her brain to figure out why Alex would want to do this to herself and how she didn't notice anything was wrong. How did she not know Alex was in such a dark place? She saw her almost everyday. All she could think was that it was her fault for not seeing Alex's pain.

The other woman, feeling extremely out of place, quietly left the room and sat outside the door in a rather uncomfortable chair. She twiddled with her thumbs trying to make sense of everything.

After about 20 minutes of Kara holding Alex, she noticed Alex's breathing was back to normal.

"Alex," she whispered. but she got no response. Alex was asleep. Kara didn't let go. She laid there, holding Alex closer than she ever had. She had her ear pressed against Alex's back, just listening to her heartbeat. Another set of tears she didn't think she had left escaped her eyes. She didn't even attempt to hold them back anymore. She felt so worthless. Her sister couldn't even come to her when she was in so much pain. Her sister who she was closer to than anybody, who she went to with all of her problems. Maybe she never let Alex have room for her own problems, she thought. Kara always had something to complain about, no matter how miniscule it was. No wonder Alex didn't want to be around her anymore. Kara was selfish.

An hour or so later, there was a light tapping on the door.

"Hey, how is she?" a woman with dark brown hair asked. Kara wasn't sure who this was, but didn't want to be rude. She carefully got up, trying not to wake Alex, and walked over to the woman.

"She's asleep right now. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but who are you exactly?" Kara asked awkwardly.

"I'm Maggie, one of Dr. Danvers' students. I saw her in the park right before - " She couldn't finish the sentence. She barely knew her professor, yet she was about to cry. She gestured towards the bed and began to bite her nails.

"I really appreciate you being here through all of this, but you can go home if you'd like." Kara said feeling awkward. She didn't want to come off sounding too pushy, but she didn't really know who this Maggie was to Alex. Alex had never mentioned a Maggie and she wasn't sure how Alex would feel about her being here in such a personal environment.

"I just want to make sure she's okay. Plus, I want to offer as much support as possible. It looks like she may need it," Maggie said sadly.

"Well, if you want you can stay or go. I'm not sure how much she'd enjoy one of her students to be hanging around seeing her like this. She has too much pride," Kara said, almost chuckling. "I'm Kara by the way."

"Oh, well nice to meet you Kara. You two make a really cute couple." Kara's face filled with horror.

Laughter erupted from down the hall. They both quickly looked over and saw another woman heading their way.

"Yeah, no. This one's mine," the woman said looping an arm around Kara's waist and pulling her in for a quick kiss. "I'm Lena, Kara Danvers' girlfriend," Lena said trying as hard as possible not to laugh. Maggie's face flushed as she quickly averted her eyes to the ground.

"And by the way, my sister is straight as an arrow."

Maggie awkwardly glanced around the room looking for anything to say, thankfully to be interrupted by a stirring Alex. Everyone hurriedly shifted their gaze to the bed, nobody moving but Kara. She cautiously sat on the edge of the uncomfortable hospital bed. It scared Alex at first, the sudden movement.

Alex still refused to look at anyone. She pulled the sheet back over her head since it had shifted down in her sleep.

"Alex," she heard her sister implore. "Please Alex. All I want is to see your face." It was a simple request, but Alex couldn't find it within herself to face what she'd done. She refused to look at her sister. She didn't want to be a failure, and acknowledging her presence is like acknowledging what was happening.

"Go home," Alex said. She was no longer in tears - she was angry. She just wanted everyone to leave. The wall to the left of her bed looked good for punching. "Please just leave me alone. Go home. I don't want you here." Alex said on the verge of yelling.

"Go home!"


	3. Dr. Grey?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has Grey's Anatomy references, so if you haven’t seen up to like season 8 of it, you’ll be confused at that part.

Once Alex was stable, she spent two more days in an observation room. Nurse after nurse. Always someone there to check on her and her "roommate", Katelyn, a patient who had overdosed on heroin. Katelyn was always asleep, doped up on sleep meds. Alex had no privacy. The room had glass walls and people staring - always staring. Doctors, nurses, families, other patients.

During that time, Kara, Lena, Winn, James, and John visited. All of those times she refused to talk. She refused to come out from under her cover.

Nothing notable happened while she was there except for one interaction with a really strange doctor.

_"Do I have to do everything for myself?" a doctor yelled, storming through the doors of the psych ward. "I don't even work here for crying out loud! I should be back home in Seattle, but nooo, I had to come to a conference leaving my family and hospital to fend for themselves!"_

_The doctor went up to the desk and demanded for some sort of paperwork. The man at the desk muttered a "Sorry, Dr. Grey," before rapidly holding out a folder, fear in his eyes. When the doctor turned to leave, she saw Alex and almost dropped her papers. The doctor's face was unreadable, but something wasn't right, and somehow Alex was the cause._

_"Lexi?" the doctor asked. Alex had been called that when she was younger. It was a nickname from her childhood friends, so in her confusion, she nodded. She figured it was an old friend who she didn't recognise._

_The doctor ran into the room._

_"But... h-how... how could you-what? The plane-th... bu-what?" The doctor stuttered, tears filling her eyes. Alex instantly knew she wasn't the same Lexi._

_"What? I think you have the wrong person?" Alex said slowly._

_"Lexi, you're a doctor, right?" the doctor asked in a shaky voice._

_Alex again nodded. This caused a gasp from Dr. Grey. Alex quickly realized her mistake. "Wait, not a medical doctor. I have a doctorate degree. I am-was a professor." Alex didn't know if she still had a job. She wasn't sure how long she'd have to stay out of work, or what Kara even said when she'd called in on her behalf. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to go back._

_After that, the doctor left crying. Alex didn't understand what was happening, but just continued laying in her bed, ignoring any guests that attempted to visit._

There isn't much else to say about the hospital. Alex was sent to a Psych facility for two weeks, but those two weeks aren't worth mentioning either. It was filled with the torturous screaming of patients and lots and lots of evaluations.

She didn't tell anybody when she was discharged. She didn't want her family to know. She knew her sister would be ashamed and her mother was probably still in town. Alex knew her mother wouldn't leave until she was sure Alex was okay. But, she knew she wasn't okay and she didn't want her mother to see it. Her mother already held so much disappoint in her.

Alex spent her first week out of the facility evading the calls from her doctors and ignoring the pleas of her sister to open the door. Kara knew Alex was home, and Alex knew she knew. She never answered the door though.

She spent hours a day on her laptop doing nothing but trying to keep her mind occupied. She found herself binge watching a lot of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Orange is the New Black. She knew she was strong enough to make it through the sadness, but at times she felt so hopeless.

It was eight days after being discharged that she saw an email from Maggsters101@gmail.com.

"Dear Dr. Danvers,

It me, Maggie from the hospital. I'm not sure why I'm trying to get you to talk to me when you won't even talk to your sister. We've been in touch and everyone's concerned. We just need you to talk to us. Talk to me. I know you don't know me, but maybe in some weird way, that will make it easier? You don't have to be embarrassed around me. I know what you're feeling. Maybe not the exact same thing, but I've been there. I know that familiar faces are the last thing you want to see. So maybe you can bare an unfamiliar one?

I don't know. Just please respond so I know you're okay.

-Maggs"

Alex reread the email at least twenty times, contemplating on whether or not to respond. The email brought so many questions. What did she mean by "I know what you're feeling"? Had Maggie attempted suicide before, or was it just some lame attempt at getting her to open up?

Alex sat for about twenty minutes staring into space before drafting out a response.

"Dear Maggie,

I appreciate the concern, but I'm okay. You don't need to worry about me. Please use this time you're wasting on me to do your school work. Your exams are quickly approaching. Go study. If you don't feel like studying, go out with some friends. Just don't tell my sister I responded. I don't feel like having her blow up my email. I'm okay, and that's all there is to say.

-Danvers"

Alex felt satisfied with her response and hit send. She wasn't used to the attention - worry. Nobody ever said "how are you" and meant it. It always came as a formality and nothing more. Her response was always a "fine". She never was fine, but she knew she couldn't get into it because nobody would ever understand.

The concern made her feel almost happy, a type of happiness that she wasn't familiar with. It made her feel like she couldn't sit still and she wanted to sing a song, but she didn't. She still feel the sadness that lingered. It was a weird mix of the two and she wondered how this girl had managed to make her feel this way. She had a glimpse of hope of having Maggie as a friend, but quickly shut the idea down. She couldn't help but feel ridiculous.

Alex shook off the thought and went back to watching Piper and Alex get it on. How she loved them.

An hour passed when she saw an email alert at the corner of her screen. She immediately clicked on it when she recognized the email address.

"Hey, I know you're not okay. Stop pretending that you are. It's not going to help. You know the whole fake it till you make it thing? I've tried that and it NEVER works how you'd like it to. Just so you know, you are not a bother. You are not an inconvenience. You are important and you need to see that. I'd rather help you than study for the exam I know I'm going to fail anyway. As for friends? I don't have many of those. So, please stop downplaying yourself and let me help. I'm always here and I'm always wanting to help. You just need to keep in mind that you are so much more than you know. You have touched the lives of everyone you've met. I don't know how somebody could meet you and not be affected in some way. All of your students care for you, and we miss you. You are so much better than this bozo who's taken over your class. He doesn't seem to ever know what he's talking about. Have a good night sleep and please respond to me within the next 24 hours or I will tell your sister about your email

-Maggs"


	4. Emails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short chapter, sorry.

"What do you want me say? Do you want me to spill my every thought while you play therapist? You're no therapist and you're no wiser than me, so what's the point? Just please leave me alone.

-D"

 

 

"I know I'm not a therapist. I also know I'm not good at this stuff, the emotional stuff, but I want to help you. I want to be there, even if there is just on your computer screen. Let me an interactive journal. You just write what you’re feeling and I'll try to help in any way I can. It's ridiculous, but sometimes ridiculous is easier.

-Maggs"

 

 

"What about "no" do you not understand? Please leave me alone. I don't need your help.

-D"

 

 

"I was 14 when I was kicked out of my home. I did nothing wrong, but at the time I blamed myself. My parents hated me - who I was. It didn't take long for their hate to turn into my own. I hated everything, everyone, and mostly myself. The things they said about me affected the way I saw the world.

When I was 15, I took pills. I took a lot of pills and one day I decided it didn't matter if I took too many. The feeling of being high wasn't enough to fix what was wrong with me, so I took all my pills. I’m not sure how I’m still alive. When I woke up, I had never wanted to die more. I was still on the couch. My aunt, who I went to when I was kicked out, hadn't noticed I was asleep missing school. She didn't notice that I wasn't okay. What she did notice was that when I woke up, I puked everywhere. I was punished for that.

It took me years to accept myself and even now I struggle. Sometimes I almost take pills again because I miss the feeling of not feeling, but I don't. That's because I have people and I want to be your people. Let me support and help you. Don't be scared to let me see what you're thinking, because chances are, it's not as bad as some of the thoughts I've had.

-M"

 

"I'm really sorry. I didn't realize. I'm just not good at opening up, especially over email. But really, I'm sure my sister is just putting you up to making me spill my thoughts.

-D"

 

 

"Well if email is hard, why don't we try this IRL? We can have a cup of covfefe or tea or maybe a little something stronger. I can come pick you up on my bike =D.

-M"

 

 

"Okay, first of all did you REALLY just use "=D". I know there's an age difference here, but I didn't think I was talking to a twelve year old!   
Second, unless you have a tandem bike, I don't see how that would work.  
And third, I'm DEFINITELY not up to go anywhere. I'd rather stick to emailing. Who even emails anymore?

-D"

 

 

"By bike, I mean motorcycle, though I guess you older folk don't know how us milineals talk. And you're right, nobody emails, by then again, you as an elderly person wouldn't know, would you? Maybe if you can figure out how to use a cell phone, you can text me at 409-945-8880!

-M"

 

 

"Okay, RUDE. You're barely even a millennial. I'm more millennial than you, and I even know how to spell it! Plus, isn't it kind of inappropriate for you to be giving me your number? I am your professor after all, if I even still am a professor? Either way it still doesn't seem appropriate.

-D"

 

 

"What do you mean if you're still a professor? You are coming back, right? I can't handle this douche that's taken over. He likes to talk about politics in the middle of lectures, and he isn't very lenient to anyone who tries to counter him. He went on a 10 minute tangent about how god made dicks and vaginas because they go together. I very much wanted to punch him in his self riotous face. But we all miss you Dr. Danvers!

-M"

 

 

"How would you know? You literally never came to class on time. Like I don't believe you've ever attended a full lecture. And I'm not sure if I'm coming back. And please drop the Dr. It makes this feel too formal. Either Alex or Danvers will do just fine. But I hope that guy gets fired. I would come back, but I just feel like if I do, everyone will pity me or whatever. Pity isn't my thing.

-D"

 

 

"Well Danvers it is then. It's less weird than calling you Alex. And I can't guarantee you that you won't be pitied, but I can guarantee you that nobody will judge you.

-M"

 

 

"But they will, everyone always does."


	5. Tomorrow

Alex sent those emails on one of her better days. The days since she's been home varied. Some she didn't want to necessarily die and some where that's all she could think about. Alex had been over in her head about a million ways she could do it. Today she settled on how. Tomorrow she would go through with it.

She didn't feel the worthlessness that she'd felt before, but now it was more of not knowing why she should live. She didn't want to see her sister, her mom, or anyone else. The only person she could even think about seeing without having a gut wrenching feeling in her stomach was Maggie, but at that same time, that wasn't something she was necessarily wanting.

Alex decided to take a shower, maybe to wash away her thoughts, maybe to wallow in them. Which? She wasn't sure. Her only struggle was to make it to the shower. She hadn't left the couch in hours and didn't want to, but she wanted to feel the hot water burn her skin. She wanted to cry without worrying about the tears. But, the couch had other plans as it had molded the perfect spot for her. It seemed to hug her almost.

Half an hour later she found herself in the shower, the water turned as hot as it would go. She sat with her knees to her chest as the water stung her back. It was a good pain. Pain was one of her favorite things because it reminded her that she was alive and it kept her from fading into oblivion. She used to dissociate for long periods of time. Once she realized she'd been staring at a wall for over an hour and it freaked her out that she didn't really exist for so long, but it quickly became much more common for her. Her version of meditation.

She however knew that she couldn't do that all the time, so she used pain as a way to almost reconnect herself to her body. She once, years ago, tried to explain it to Kara, but she insisted that it wasn't an excuse for her to harm herself. Alex stopped sharing as much with her after that and continued to cut herself, just on her thighs where nobody would see. That was her rookie mistake, cutting on her upper arms where people could see.

It had become almost a daily thing where she'd cut herself. Usually no more than five or six cuts, but enough to keep her grounded. She had to learn the hard way that in order to do that, she couldn't wear light pants. The cuts liked to reopen.

Alex played music while she took her shower, doing little but irritate her. She almost scoffed at the memories of her singing with all she had as she showered. She would even dance, though that did lead to a broken pinkie. Singing used to be her favorite thing in the world, but these past few months she couldn't find it within herself to pick up her guitar. She tried, but it wasn't the same. She used to feel almost electric when she played and sang. She never sang for anyone, but she didn't need anyone to hear. It was her private happy place.

Angrily, she yelled "Alexa, turn off the music" and got even more aggravated when Alexa said she couldn't understand her. Alex ripped the curtain open of her shower and put her face inches from the Echo. "Alexa, I said turn off the fucking music" she said slowly and angrily. Water dropped from her hair onto the Echo and she didn't bother to wipe it off. Alexa again said she couldn't understand her. Alex grabbed she Echo, unplugged it, and threw it at the wall. It did nothing. She then continued to pick it up and throw it at the wall multiple times. It chipped the wall. Before she knew what she was doing, Alex had gotten a hammer and started beating the shit out of the thing.

After a minute of just standing there naked with the water still running and a broken Echo, she slowly sat down. She almost melted into the floor, or so it felt. She pulled her knees up to herself and buried her head in her arms. She screamed at the top of her lungs out of frustration.

About five minutes later, she turned off the water, regretting not doing so earlier. She hated wasting water.

She threw on a pair of old grey sweatpants and a grey NCU sweatshirt. She put on some fuzzy socks and lit her favorite candle - maple pecan. She got back onto her couch and snuggled into her fuzzy blanket. She clicked on the tv and found absolutely nothing on, so she turned on Netflix and started watching her favorite show, The Flash. She wished Berry Allen were real because then maybe there'd be less tragedy in the world. The only thing wrong with the show, and others like it, were the amount of bank robberies. Banks were almost never robbed in National City. It was ridiculous in her opinion.

She opened her laptop to see a new email. She was overly excited and hoped it was Maggie. It wasn't. It was an email about a concert two weeks from then, one she'd planned to go to months ago. She was going to see Paramore, but she was more excited about who was opening for them, The Aces. The Aces were her absolute favorite band and she so badly wanted to see them, but now she couldn't even think of going to a concert.

She was embarrassed in herself for hoping it was Maggie that much. She wasn't going to lie to herself, she did want to see her. Emails were cool and all, but she wanted to talk face to face. She couldn't find it in herself to leave though. She couldn't go anywhere, let alone get up and take a shower without having a panic attack.

She hated that she couldn't go anywhere, especially since it was nobody but herself keeping her from doing so.

Next thing she knew, it was almost midnight, three hours after her shower. She had dissociated again, which she didn't mind, in fact enjoyed. Her thoughts were dulled down and she felt a little better.

Her laptop had died, so she grumpily plugged it it, not wanting to actually get up. He woke up around 4pm that day, so she wasn’t near tired.

Alex grunted as the laptop started to update. She knew it was going to be at least an hour for it to finish because her laptop was really old and slow, and she’d been hitting the “later” button every time it asked to update.

She put her laptop on the coffee table before curling up into her blanket and burrowing her head deep into the pillow. She looked at her phone - no notifications. Everyone has stopped trying to text her, finally. T made her happy, but at the same time, it did make her sadder because everyone had finally given up on her.

She went to her email and still saw nothing from Maggie. She wanted to email her, but she also didn’t want her to think she needed help. She didn’t.

She was extremely tempted to email her. She spent ten minutes writing and rewriting emails, but sending none of them.

Finally she decided that if she were going to die tomorrow, she might as well do it.

“Hey Maggie,  
Sorry for bothering you. Just wanted to say hi.”

Alex thought for a minute before erasing the email.

“Hey Maggie,  
So I’m not up to leave, but maybe you could come over.”

Alex sat there for a minute, contemplating whether or not that was a good idea. She did want to see Maggie, but she looked around her living room and realized that it was in no condition for company. She erased the email and tried one last time.

“Hey Maggie,  
What’s up?”

Alex decided that that sounded okay. Right as she was about to hit send, she got a notification alerting her of a new email. It was Maggie this time. Alex quickly sat up and deleted her message before reading Maggie’s.

“Yo Danvers, sorry I’m emailing you so late. How’ve you been? And don’t lie. Tell me what you did today.”

Alex couldn’t help but laugh at their maturity difference with the “yo”, but she stopped when she though about the rest of the message. She couldn’t help but note how genuine Maggie was being. Alex began to wonder if maybe she should do the same.

“I’m doing pretty average. Today I did some sleeping, watched some Netflix, and slept some more. How are you?”

Alex sent the message, feeling she was being honest and figured it’d be best not to share the shower incident. She waited for no more than two minutes before she got a reply.

“I’m okay, but I would be better if you gave me more than that. And did you make sure to eat? Did you go outside, because it would be really good for you. I’m really sorry to sound like a nag, but I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself! And I’m still here if you ever want to talk more about how your feeling.”

Alex groaned because she didn’t want to feel like a child. She didn’t need to be ordered around, though it did make her wonder if maybe she was acting in a child like manner.

She felt embarrassed for having to be told to eat. Even more so that if Maggie hadn’t said anything she wouldn’t have even though about food. She hadn’t eaten in almost three days, but she’d gone way longer before. You can survive without food for over a month, so she figured she was fine.

She couldn’t stop wanting to burry her head in the ground like an ostrich. Alex always felt extreme levels of shame and embarrassment to the point of not leaving her apartment for days. She didn’t know why. She never cared what others thought, but at the same time that’s all she could think about sometimes. She didn’t know why anytime she did something that could be a way for others to think of her as weird, she had a panic attack. She couldn’t help them, and some weren’t that bad, but other times she wouldn’t be able to do anything for a while afterwards because she couldn’t stop shaking.

This one wasn’t as bad. It was mild because the implications were less accusatory, which meant, hopefully, that Maggie didn’t judge her for not taking care of herself. She was still embarrassed enough that she had alleviate it the only way she knew.

She reached into the drawer of the coffee table and grabbed one of the many razor blades. She thought back to when she was younger and she had no way of buying them, so she would unscrew blades from her pencil sharpeners.

She slid down her sweatpants, still not able to open her eyes for much longer than a few seconds at a time because of her embarrassment. She had a habit of closing her eyes when she got really embarrassed, though she never knew why exactly she did that.

She took the cold piece of metal, positioned it in her fingers so they wouldn’t get cut, and placed it between two fairly fresh cuts. She pushed down hard and quickly pulled it across her thigh. She watched, almost in slow motion, how the blood pooled to the surface and threatened to spill over.

She quickly grabbed a tissue and wiped up as much as she could before she continued to cut, each one dampening her stress. Somehow the physical pain got rid of the emotional and left her in an almost euphoric state.

She carved 5 cuts into herself. These were deeper than some of her others, but she felt better. Once they all stopped bleeding and she felt better, she pulled up her pants, grabbed her blanked and snuggled back into her couch. She felt good and was even happier thinking of what she would be doing tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m gonna post the rest of what I have tomorrow. I’m tired rip. 
> 
> Please comment or whatever.


	6. Melodrama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I forgot to update this rip

Alex woke up around 2pm. It was the happiest she felt in weeks, maybe even months. She felt refreshed, like she could do almost anything. The weight she previously felt on her chest was gone. Everything was great, except the dull pain in her thigh.

She went to the Kitchen and made herself two fried eggs and whole wheat toast. It was the last of her eggs and the bread was stale, but she wanted to eat. She cooked the eggs slightly runny and let the yolk break over the toast. This was one of her favorite breakfasts, regardless whether it was already past lunch time or not.

After indulging herself, she took a long bath. She let the water run warm and she even put in some of her bubble bath stuff that made her feel like a kid. She turned music on on her phone, actually enjoying it. It was at least two hours before she was done, skin wrinkly and all.

When she got out, she dried her hair and curled it. She rarely curled her hair anymore, let alone brush it. She used her expensive moisturizer on her face, the one that smelled like coconut and vanilla.

She went to her bed and laid on her back in nothing but a towel. She stared at the ceiling and let herself get lost in her thoughts.

She thought about her sister and felt sad for a minute. She was sad that she was about to leave her, but she knew Kara would get over it soon. They used to be so close, but recently everything felt so distant. Her sister would come over all the time, but it wasn't the same. They didn't talk like before. It wasn't personal and full of feeling - more causal than anything. They mostly watched TV or movies, not cuddling like they used to. They used to be so close, but Kara felt more and more like a stranger.

She thought about Lena. Lena and her weren't that close, but she knew she'd keep Kara from doing anything stupid once she was gone.

She thought about her mother. Disappointment. It was all her mother seemed to call her. Not with that word, but it was always implied. Ever since her father died, her mother resented her deep down. It was Alex's fault her father got in the crash that ended his life. She saw Kara sneaking out and didn't stop her. Her father was furious when Alex told him that Kara had snuck out and had been gone for too long.

"If anything has happened to her, it's on YOU. YOU let her go. YOU should've been looking out or her."

Then he left to try and find Kara and never returned. It was just one more reason she didn't deserve life. She would trade her's for his in a heartbeat.

Alex drew in a deep breath and hoisted herself off the bed. She put on her favorite pair of jeans, the acid washed black ones, and a simple white tee. She stopped, realizing the blood would be really visible on that shirt, and switched it out for a black one. She threw on her most expensive leather jacket and went to the mirror. She decided against any sort of makeup. Huffing, she saw that her hair was messed up from laying on it, so she carefully redid it.

Then, when she deemed herself ready, she sat down at her desk, pulling out a piece of paper and her $40 pen. She wasn't sure why she bought such an expensive pen, but it was fancy.

She stared blankly at the paper for a couple of minutes before sucking in a deep breath and put metal to the pedal, or pen to the paper.

She spent the next thirty minutes carefully writing her note. She put it in an envelope and wrote Goodbye, in nice cursive, on the outside and laid it on the table by the door.

Alex was about to put on her boots when she heard a banging on her door. She rolled her eyes, figuring it was her sister. She stayed as quiet as possible, not wanting Kara to think she was home. After about 30 seconds of banging, it stopped. Alex let out a sigh of relief, until there was a giant thud and her door cracked down the middle.

She heard a muffled "damn" and realized it wasn't Kara. Within a couple of seconds there was another bang and the door was broken off of the hinges.

There stood Maggie, dressed almost the exact same as Alex.

Alex was frozen in place. She stood there with her mouth half open.

"Hey," Maggie said, looking down at the ground, embarrassed.

"H-how? Why are you here?" Alex asked in disbelief. "...My door." She pointed at the door laying on the ground.

"Yeah uh," Maggie stuttered, avoiding eye contact at all costs. "Um, you didn't respond to my email. I'm sorry, something just didn't feel right about it? I was worried. I wanted to make sure you were okay and so when I knocked and you didn't answer I panicked and..." Maggie rambled, still avoiding eye contact.

Alex was clearly annoyed. She put her fingers to her temples and said "How did you find where I live?"

Maggie looked even more embarrassed. "Uhh, I'm really good with computers so I was able to uh... hack into your email and figure out where you live," but it came out sounding more like a question.

Neither of them spoke for a while. They stood there awkwardly both keeping their eyes low.

"Hey uh, you want some coffee or tea?" Alex offered, trying to shake off the tension.

"Yeah, a cup of coffee would be nice."

Alex waved her hand towards the kitchen and let Maggie go first. She started for the kitchen before backtracking and propped the door up in the doorway.

"Sorry again. I'll cover the price of a new door. I really shouldn't have done that."

Alex didn't respond, but got out her coffee pods and popped one in the Keurig.

She sat down on the barstool next to Maggie while she waited for the Keurig to heat up. "Sorry my apartment is such a mess..." Alex offered, trying to make it less awkward. She wasn't lying when she said it was a mess. There were clothes and cans and bottles and plates and cups and tissues allover the living room alone.

"It's fine."

"Why?" Alex asked, trying to look Maggie in the eye. Maggie look confused. “Why are you here?”

"I told you why."

"No, why did you come here, really? Why didn't you just leave it be?" Alex couldn't figure that out. She didn't know why Maggie even bothered to come and why she was so determined. She wasn't worth that much, but of course she wasn't going to tell that to Maggie. She couldn't show herself to be weaker than she already had.

"Because I don't think I could live with myself if something happened to you when I could have stopped it."

It was silent for a little bit longer. Alex got up and pressed the button to make the coffee and sat back down. Neither of them knew how to break the silence and it was killing Alex. The tension in the room was so thick.

"So this is what a professors apartment looks like? I would've expected there to be... well I don't know what I would've expected had I thought about it."

Alex chuckled. "I'm sure you didn't expect to have to wade through a foot of trash to get to the kitchen. And I'm not your professor anymore."

All of a sudden Alex remembered rent was due in a couple of days and she started to panic. She wasn't working so she wasn't getting money to pay rent and her other various bills. Then she remembered that she wouldn't need to pay any bills. She was going to be gone by tomorrow.

"Woah, what just happened?" Maggie asked, lookin concerned. "You just looked like you were about to get shot and then all of a sudden you went back to normal?" She gave a dry chuckle to try and ease the tension.

"Nothing... I was just thinking." Alex hopped up and grabbed the cup of coffee. "Cream or sugar?"

"Both. What were you thinking about?"

Alex opened the fridge and grabbed the creamer. "Nothing important. Tell me when to stop." She poured it in until Maggie finally said stop. "All you had to say was you wanted some milk with a bit of coffee,” Alex joked. She’d never seen anyone use so much creamer. “Oh and sugars right there." Alex pointed to the container and handed her a spoon.

"Thanks. And that wasn't nothing." Maggie stirred in a lot of sugar and an then took a sip.

Alex put in a pod of her own and watched as coffee filled her cup, not answering Maggie. She put a splash of creamer in her coffee and no sugar.

"How do you drink it like that? Thats gotta be really bitter."

"Just like me," Alex said with a grin and took a small sip. Her nose immediately turned up. She opened the creamer and smelled it, gagging at the rancidness of it. "Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me it was bad! Stop drinking it! Why would you drink that? I barely had any in mine and it was so bad, so I can't even imagine how bad yours is!"

Maggie put down her cup and started laughing. "I didn't want to be rude. Although I think I may be a little late with that," she joked, pointing to the door.

"Well now you're going to get food poisoning or something because of your need to be polite."

"To be honest, your reaction was worth it. I'd pay to see that again!"

"Here, let me get you something else to drink," Alex said. "Do you want some hot chocolate?"

"What, you had hot chocolate and didn't tell me to begin with?" Maggie said in mock disbelief.

"I take that as a yes?" Maggie rapidly nodded her head, causing Alex to laugh a little bit.

"Ooooh is that vinyl?" Maggie asked, a little over excited.

"No, it's donuts. Yes it's vinyl. You can take a look if you'd like.” Alex had a fairly impressive collection, but she hadn’t touched them in ages. Maggie practically ran to the box that had all of Alex’s vinyl.

“Wow, I though my music taste was crazy. The 1975, The Beetles, Paul Anka, Brenda Lee, Halsey, Bruno Mars, Adele, Kendrick Lamar, Twenty One Pilots, Three Days Grace... no. Please tell me this isn’t what I think it is. Do you really have Nickelback? I’m truly disappointed.” Maggie joked.

“Okay, that one’s really old.”

“I do have to give you props for some of this. Like damn, Haim’s “Something To Tell You” and Paramore’s “After Laughter” and “Brand New Eyes”. You better watch out or I’ll steal some of this. Mind if I put one of the records on?”

“Go ahead,” Alex said. She was feeling kinda self conscious about her music because that was one of the most personal things to her. The music you listen to really tells who you are as a person, in Alex’s opinion. She didn’t want Maggie to think she was too weird, just like everyone else.

Maggie pulled out one of the records and studied it for a minute before putting it on. She grumbled to herself as she messed with the needle. “Ah, here we go.”

Alex instantly recognized the song. “Writer in The Dark” by Lorde. It was one of Alex’s favorites from “Melodrama”.

Maggie walked over to Alex, bowed, and held out her hand. “May I have this dance?”

Alex laughed, but Maggie just raised her eyebrows. Alex hadn’t danced since she was in middle school, so she wasn’t sure about dancing. “I can’t dance,” she said.

“Neither can I, but here I am.”

Alex slowly stepped forward and Maggie grabbed her hands an put them on her waist. Maggie put her own on Alex’s shoulders. They swayed to the beat of the song and Alex felt anxious being this close. Her mind was flooded with thoughts like am I doing this right, does my breath smell bad, and what the hell am I even doing.

As the song played, Maggie seemed to be getting closer and closer. By the second verse, her forehead was pressed to Alex’s shoulder and Alex was practically hugging her. Alex breathed in the smell of Maggie. She smelled like honey and wood and lavender and caramel. She smelled warm and she felt like she could melt into her.

“I love this album. It’s pure emotion. It’s real.” Maggie whispered into Alex’s chest.

It was after seven and the sun was setting. Everything felt right. Alex was glad to spend the last of her time like this. She wasn’t even sure how it happened. She was pissed at Maggie not even ten minutes ago. How did they get here? Why did she never want to let go? The song was over too soon and it didn’t feel right to continue dancing because the next song was fast. Alex finally felt like she had a friend. She never had friends that she clicked with, so all of this was new she didn’t know how any pairs of best friends ever separated. Maggie wasn’t even a fiend really, but she never wanted to say bye. This day was so much better than she could’ve thought it would be. She could finally die happy.

“Your hot chocolate!” Alex said, startling Maggie. Maggie laughed and walked to the kitchen to grab the mug. She chugged it all in no more than 15 seconds. Alex was impressed.

“Hey uh, it’s pretty late and I don’t have any business being here, so I should go.” Maggie said awkwardly, as if just now realizing where she was.

Alex wanted to protest, but she was right. There wasn’t any reason for Maggie to be here anymore.

Maggie walked to the doorway, but stopped dead in her tracks before she could move the door. Alex’s stomach dropped because Maggie was looking directly at the goodbye letter. Alex felt 100x more anxious than when they were dancing. She hoped with every part of herself that Maggie wouldn’t say anything about it, but that didn’t seem very likely. Maggie slowly grabbed it and looked at Alex, tears in her eyes.

“Wh-what is... this.”

Alex looked at her feet and she all of a sudden her eyes started watering. Then she got mad at herself. She wanted to die happy, and this was quickly dampening her mood.

“Danvers!” Maggie yelled.

Alex shot her head up and saw Maggie’s face streaked with tears. She felt like her knees were going to collapse under her. Maggie opened the envelope and all she could manage was a squeaked “Stop.” Her voice was failing her and she hated herself for it.

Maggie didn’t stop. Alex quickly went to the couch and buried her face in her knees.

“Hey, this time I’m doing it right. I’m writing a note this time,” Maggie read out loud, her voice cracking ever couple of words. “I’m finally... I’m finally gone. I’m sorry I’m too weak to continue. I’m sorry I’m too weak to keep being alone. I’m sorry that-that I wasn’t lovable. I’m sorry it’s my fault dad is dead. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be stronger.” Maggie was crying harder than before.

Alex couldn’t see Maggie’s face because she was hiding her own. She was sure that she was mad or disappointed or something, but instead Maggie hugged her. It scared her, but she didn’t move. Maggie let go, sat down next to her, and hugged her again. All of a sudden Alex was sobbing and she didn’t know why. She couldn’t control it.

Maggie just held her. She held her and held her.


	7. Two More Glasses

Alex woke up feeling groggy and her mind was working slowly as she remembered what happened earlier. She smelled something lovely and sniffed hard before realizing what the smell was. She realized that she had her head in Maggie's lap and her nose buried in her stomach. Even worse, she had a bit of her shirt balled up in her fist. She barely had her eyes open and she could feel Maggie running her hand through her hair.

Maggie noticed her stirring and softly said "Hey."

Alex quickly sprung up and scooted herself into the other side of the couch, face completely red. She looked out the window and saw it was dark. She panicked, not knowing how long she'd been asleep in Maggie's lap.

"It's a little after 4am," Maggie said, somehow knowing Alex was wondering the time.

"You have class in a few hours, what are you doing? You need to get home and sleep." Alex said, hoping Maggie would leave. Her stomach was in nots because how embarrassed she was. Alex felt the absence of her jacket and saw it on the arm of the couch. Had Maggie taken it off her?

Maggie seemed wide awake despite the late hour. "I'm not going."

Alex was even more confused. "Why? You can't miss all your classes!" She was desperate to try and get Maggie to forget about the night.

"I only have two classes today. Plus I don't like those classes anyway." Alex raises her eyebrows at Maggie because it was her old class. "I liked it when you were teaching, but this new guy is kind of insane. He threatened to fail anyone who expressed any pro gun control opinions, or as he calls it "anti second amendment ideology”. What's worse is that one Luthor guy contradicts anyone who tries to report him. Who's gonna believe some random student over a 4.0 student who was valedictorian at National City High School and is top of the class? Not to mention he comes from The Lillian Luthor!" Lillian Luthor was one of the biggest business owners in the world and is also known for being as far right wing as possible.

"What the fuck? You guys need to figure something out to get him gone. How was he approved to teach? Oh and Lex Luthor is the devil incarnate. I'm not sure if you know their other child. They tend to try and keep her out of the media as much as possible. Well she's dating Kara, my sister."

Maggie looked completely shocked. "You mean the gorgeous black haired girl? And how have I never heard of her? She didn't look any older than 20 and her brother is only 22! You'd think with that close of an age gap they'd have been seen together as children or something."

"Between you and me, she was adopted when she was 4, but she's really Lionel Luthor's biological child. She was the product of an affair. And she's 19, which I think is kind of young for my 23 year old sister, but she has the maturity of a 48 year old woman." Maggie laughed a little at that. There was an awkward silence for a good 30 seconds. "Okay, but for real you should go. I want to be alone," Alex said, immediately dampening the playful mood. Maggie looked conflicted as she bit her lip multiple times. Alex noticed her hands fidgeting with the seam of her jeans and it took all she had to not grab her hands and stop them.

"I don't want you to be alone tonight." Maggie said, now looking into her lap. "I need to make sure you aren't going to hurt yourself." With the mention of hurting herself, Alex felt a need to cut herself. She wanted to feel the sting and watch the blood. She wanted to dig the blade deep into her skin. She craved it.

There was an itch on her thigh, one that only presents itself when she's gone too long without cutting. Her hand, with a mind of its own, went down to her thigh and began scratching. "I'm fine," Alex said, not so convincingly.

"No you're not. How do you expect me to leave after what happened just hours ago?"

With that, Alex knew she wasn't leaving anytime soon. Aggravated, she got up and grabbed a bottle of whiskey and two cups. She plopped right back down on the couch and poured herself a glass. It was gone in seconds.

"Want some?" Alex asked? Maggie gave her a look that said 'what the actual fuck are you doing?'. Alex shrugged and poured herself another glass and chugged it too. Maggie watched as Alex proceeded to drink 2 more glasses.

"You're just wasting that. You're supposed to drink it slowly and enjoy. Chugging it just ruins it."

"Oh, so I see you have a lot of experience for someone who is barely 21."

"Hm, how do you know my age exactly? Did you do research on me?"

Alex's face turned bright red. "Well, uh I like to know about who I'm talking to?" She could feel the alcohol in her system, though it wasn't too much considering her tolerance was so high. It was making her less quick on her feet. How was she supposed to admit to looking up Maggie's file?

"Come on Danvers, I'm fucking with you," Maggie said lightheartedly. She pushed her shoulder jokingly.

Alex poured and drank two more glasses. Maggie suggested she slow down, but that did nothing but prompt Alex to drink two more. At this point Alex was sufficiently drunk, but she wanted to forget everything that happened and she couldn't seem to feel drunk enough. She decided to drink straight from the bottle.

Alex turned on the TV and decided that Moana was what they should watch.

For the first few minutes she held in the need to sing along, but when "How Far I'll Go" came on, nothing could stop her. She could've sworn she heard Maggie singing along too. Maggie was on one side of the couch and Alex on the other, but somehow Alex ended up no more than two inches away from Maggie. If anyone were to ask, she definitely didn't end up cuddled into her side.

By the time Moana reached Te Fiti, the sun was starting to come up and Maggie had fallen asleep. Alex, as carefully as she could, got up without waking her and chugged the rest of the bottle.

Alex crept into the bathroom, ran herself a shower, and clumsily undressed herself. She grabbed one of her razors and sat under the running water. She first cut a shallow cut, but it did nothing to ease her need. She dug the corner deep into her skin on one side of her thigh and quickly yanked it across to the other side. It was more blood than normal, but she loved it. She poked and prodded at the cut, her drunk state taking over.

She cut a couple more cuts on the same thigh watching in amazement at how pretty the blood was. She rinsed the blood away and turned off the water, though the blood was nowhere near stopping.

She stood up, but she felt extremely dizzy, so she grabbed onto the curtain. It did little to help her stay up and instead ripped the whole shower rod down knocking down everything on the edge of the tub.

Seconds later, Maggie was running into the bathroom. No door breaking was necessary this time since Alex didn't lock the door.

Alex was frozen in place sitting in the tub, bloody with the rod and curtain laying on the floor. Maggie covered her eyes, but quickly uncovered them when she realized she had seen blood. She look Alex over to try and find where the blood was coming from, trying not to get distracted by the fact she was naked. She saw Alex's leg.

Alex sat there, looking down, not even bothering to cover herself. She didn’t care if Maggie saw her naked, while she was drunk at least.

“Alex,” Maggie whispered.

“What happened to ‘Danvers’?” Alex slurred, giggling a little bit.

Alex climbed out of the tub and clumsily sat in the counter. Maggie directed her to use some toilet paper and apply pressure to the cuts.

Maggie grabbed the rod and curtain and moved them aside. She also picked up the bottles and put them back on the edge. She turned on the faucet, making sure the water was warm, but too hot and put in the plug. Alex sat there watching Maggie as the tub filled. She felt like a child. Heck, she was acting like one too. She swung her legs back and forth like a toddler while Maggie looked through her cabinets.

She found several bandaids and put them on Alex’s thigh. She noted that only one of the thighs had any scars, but the scars that were there were bad. They were from old, deep cuts from nights Alex never wanted to think about again. When the tub was mostly full, Maggie turned off the faucet and guided Alex in.

“So, do you wanna tell me what happened?”

Alex saw pure, genuine care in Maggie’s eyes, but everything in her screamed to not open up.

Don’t let people see you as weak.

It’s too late for that now though, isn’t it? Maggie saw her cry, saw her drink, saw her scars, and the mess she is as a person.

“What do you think?” Alex said, not meaning to sound at cross as she did.

Maggie took a washcloth and put some body wash on it. “I think you’re scared.”

She scrubbed Alex’s arms first. “I think you want to talk about it.”

She scrubbed Alex’s back. “I think you don’t know how else to cope, so you rely on cutting.”

She handed the washcloth to Alex to scrub everywhere else. “I think you need someone.”

She poured shampoo into her palms. “I think you need someone who will show you how special you are.”

She lathered Alex’s hair and scrubbed it. “I think you need to learn to rely on someone. Lean back.”

She rinsed Alex’s hair under the faucet. “I think you want someone.”

She put conditioner in her palm. “I think you don’t want to want someone.”

She put it in Alex’s hair. “I think you need someone who will always be there and won’t leave at the first sign of trouble. Lean back.”

She rinsed Alex’s hair again. “I think you need me.” She pulled the plug and let the water drain.

Alex had tears running down her face because she didn’t want to admit it, but everything Maggie said was true. And Maggie wanted to be there for her.

Maggie wrapped a towel around her and helped her dry off. Alex was barely able to stand at this point, so Maggie had a hard time getting her to her room.

The sun had come out almost completely and the second the bright light hit Alex, she ran back to the bathroom, leaving behind her towel, and puked. She was bent over the toilet when Maggie came running in after her. She just put a hand on Alex’s back while she emptied her stomach.

When she finished she curled up next to the toilet. “Come on, lets get you to your room. You’ll regret it later if you fall asleep here.”

Alex groaned as Maggie helped her up. She rinsed out her mouth with mouthwash and they went back to her room. Maggie had to force Alex to put on a T-shirt and some underwear. When she was dressed, partially at least, she curled up in her bed under the heavy comforter.

Maggie turned to go to the living room, but was interrupted by Alex saying “Please stay.” Alex’s arm was outstretched and she looked so pitiful that Maggie couldn’t say no. She had begun to climb into the bed when Alex told her to find something more comfortable. She insisted Maggie wouldn’t enjoy sleeping in jeans and a button up. She hesitantly obliged.

She followed Alex’s commands and put on one of her T-shirts, but she couldn’t find any clean sweatpants, so she ended up in her underwear too. She figured it was only fair that if Alex got to sleep half naked, then she could too.

She closed the curtains to block out all light and climbed into the bed. Alex scooted close and buried her face in the crook of Maggie’s neck.

Alex felt an overwhelming sense of comfort and home.


	8. Chasing Pavements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I’m gonna change the title back to what it used to be.

Alex woke up around 6pm to a warm figure next to her, but it did little to ease the pounding in her head. She didn't remember anything much from earlier, not after she downed her 8th or so glass. Her legs were tangled in the sheets, someone else's rubbing against hers. She knew she was with Maggie earlier, but here she was, half naked, so she figured it was some random guy. She probably got Maggie to leave and found some loser outside her apartment. The thought made her stomach twist. She hadn't slept with anyone in months and she didn't want to have slept with some random person. The pounding in her head only got more intense, so she couldn't open her eyes to see who was there.

In hope for some sort of comfort from the headache, she buried her face into the person. His skin was so soft, and he smelled so good. The it hit Alex. It wasn't a guy, it was Maggie. The smell was unmistakable. She opened her eyes to check, but before she could see anything, she groaned, almost puking at the pain, and closed her eyes again. She dug her hands into her face and pulled the comforter over her head.

She felt stupid. Of course it wasn't some guy. The skin was too soft, too smooth.

Suddenly her stomach dropped even further. She was half naked, and if the lack of clothes on Maggie's legs said anything, so was she. That could only mean one thing, but Alex didn't want to think about it. She couldn't have. She wouldn't let Maggie do something like that to her.

Maybe Maggie was just trying to take advantage of her. Maggie didn't care about her at all. It was all just one big scheme. It's the only thing that made sense. Alex would never do anything with another woman. She was straight.

Then her mind began to go to places she didn't approve of. What if she did want it. Drunk girls fool around sometimes right? It didn't mean anything.

But what if it did?

Then Alex couldn't stop imagining how the night could've gone. Imagining how it felt to be with a woman. Then suddenly she found herself wishing she could remember.

When she realized where her mind went, she quickly rid herself of the thought. She would never want that. It was Maggie. Maggie took advantage of her in her drunk state. No other explanation.

She groaned to herself again, partially because she was frustrated, but also because her head was killing her. She instantly regretted it when Maggie started to stir. She didn't say anything, which Alex took as a worse sign, but there was still a part of her thinking that maybe it wasn't Maggie. Maybe her mind was just going a little crazy... a little.

The person got up out of the bed and Alex felt cold. She felt like part of her was missing and exposed. She rolled into the warm spot of the bed and breathed in the scent that told her it was Maggie. Deep down she knew it was. Then she buried her face deep into the mattress, the smell somehow keeping her grounded, keeping her mind off the pain.

Maybe her sleeping with Maggie wasn't the worst thing, but she wouldn't do it again. She was conflicted about how to feel about it. She wasn't sure who started it, but if Maggie still wanted her in a completely platonic way, maybe they could put it behind them.

She hoped Maggie was coming back. She hoped Maggie didn't leave for good. She couldn't bare the thought of not seeing her again. Then she panicked. She can't get this emotionally invested in someone, not this soon. Nobody has ever wanted to be there, so how could Maggie? This was no different. Time after time, Alex would read too much info simple friendships and go in too hard too fast and freak out whoever it was. She obsessed too easily.

Maggie has been gone for over a minute now, and Alex started thinking she left the apartment. Of course Maggie was just there to take advantage of her. Why would she want to actually be friends. But damn, Maggie was a great actress. With those skills, she could easily land a role in a movie or show.

All of a sudden, The was a quiet shuffling as the Maggie got back in the bed, this time on the opposite side as before, since Alex was in her spot. Maggie carefully pulled the comforter from over Alex's head. Alex's eyes snapped open, but she immediately regretted it. She bolted up and ran to the bathroom to puke.

She hunched over the toilet and emptied her stomach, the lights of the bathroom making it more and more intense. She couldn't stop. Everything she had ever eaten seemed to be coming up. When she was at the point of dry heaving, she noticed the tears streaming down her face and Maggie there next to her, a hand rested on Alex's back.

She released her hold on the toilet, pulled her knees up to herself, and put her head into them. She used her arms to shield herself from the light.

Maggie flushed the toilet and held out a water bottle and two ibuprofen. "Here, I had gotten up to get you these," Maggie whispered, Alex peaking at her through a small slit in her arms. She grabbed the ibuprofen and water and downed the pills with a small sip. The water felt good, yet made her want to puke again at the same time.

Alex noticed the shower curtain and rod were in the corner of the bathroom. She was confused by that.

"Thanks," Alex whispered. She rinsed her mouth out with mouthwash, hoping to rid her breath of any lingering smell.

She sat on the bed and noticed the bandaids on her thigh. Alex only then noticed the dull pain in her thigh. She must have cut again last night, which wasn't a shock to her, but the bandaids were. She never used bandaids, which made her realize who had. She looked up guiltily to Maggie, who was leaned on the doorway, no pants on.

Her eyes trailed to the black panties that were laced on the side. She admires Maggie's perfect thighs, a perfect golden color. She became mesmerized by the way Maggie looked in her T-shirt. Alex hadn't noticed she was wearing it, but it was her own red NCU shirt that was extremely worn. Maggie must’ve stolen it. When she realized Maggie wasn't wearing a bra was also when she realized she just spent 20 or so seconds completely staring at her in places other than her face.

She was just stunned by the lack of clothes, she told herself.

Alex's face turned extremely red and Maggie couldn't have not noticed. The smirk she had seemed to know everything. That damn smirk.

"So you wanna talk about it now, or later?" Maggie asked, keeping her voice low. It made Alex shiver.

Alex wasn't sure what she was talking about, but she had an idea it had to do with why they were both in little clothes. God she didn't want to talk about it, but she needed to figure out how it happened.

"Now I guess. I have to be honest, I don't remember much," Alex said, her voice shaking with nervousness and pain. "You'll have to tell me how it happened."

Maggie sat down next to Alex and they both put their legs under the sheet. She took a deep breath and said "Well you stated drinking when I said I wouldn't leave. You offered me some, but I figured it'd be best if we weren't both drunk. We watched Moana, but I fell asleep. I guess you got up to take a shower."

She looked at her hands and played with her thumbs. Alex, wanting to comfort Maggie like Maggie had for her, grabbed her hands and held them. That seemed to give Maggie the boost she needed to keep going, though Alex wasn't sure she wanted her to. "I woke up when I heard a bang coming from the bathroom. I ran into the bathroom and you were sat in the shower and the rod and curtain were on the ground. And... you were covered in blood. I though you hurt yourself when you fell, but you had been cutting. I helped you out and put bandaids on you. Then I gave you a bath and cleaned you up." Alex knew that them sleeping together had to be coming soon. "Then I took you to your bedroom." Here it is. "Then we went to sleep."

Alex almost did a double take. They didn't sleep together? Then what did Maggie want to talk about?

Maggie didn't seem to notice Alex's confusion because she was looking down at their hands, fingers intertwined.

"Why were you cutting, Alex?" Maggie said in an almost pleading tone. Her voice was small and it made Alex want to hug her.

"I don't know," She answers truthfully. She couldn't remember, so she didn't know why she did it that time, but she had a sneaking suspicion. "I sometimes do and I can't do anything to stop it."

Maggie gave her a confused look. "What do you mean?"

Alex didn't know how to explain it. Anytime she felt like cutting, it was like nothing could stop her. On days when she felt good, she still couldn't stop cutting. She never tried to stop for good, but on days when she didn't want cut, it was like her brain wouldn't let her focus on anything else. It was an itch that constantly needed to be scratched.

"I uh, I don't know how to explain it very well. It's like I need to. I can't relax unless I do. I can't do anything if I haven't cut for a while and it's all I think about. Even on days when I don't want to really, I still have to," Alex said, trying to put her jumble of thoughts into a coherent string of words.

Maggie thought for a minute, resting her head on Alex's shoulder. The suddenness of it surprises Alex, but she didn't oppose. "I think it's an addiction."

Alex had never thought of it like that. "You can't get addicted to cutting," she said, with a bit of inappropriate lightness in her voice.

"Yes you can. You're the science professor, I figured you'd know that. The body releases endorphins when you cut yourself, so you're body tends to want to use that as a calming mechanism. I used to have a friend who cut." The way Maggie said "used to" sent a chill down Alex's spine. She wasn't sure whether they stopped being friends or if something else happened. She didn't want to ask though.

Maggie continued. "You know, I am an addict too. Not to cutting, but to pills. I took Vicodin everyday for a long time when I was young. My parents convinced me that I wasn't worth love and that I was a menace to society. Everyone I was close to told me I was a bad person for loving who I love. I'm gay by the way, if you couldn't tell." Maggie laughed a little bit and paused. Alex squeezed her hand again, letting her know it was okay to keep going. Maggie took several deep breaths. "I listened to them and did become a bad person. I stole from my aunt. Cash, jewelry, and anything I could make a buck off of. I was at the point where I never went to school or made an effort to do anything. The only time I'd leave the house was to see my dealer, and more than once I almost started taking other stuff. Stuff that would've fucked me up for life. Well I am fucked up for life now, but it could've been much, much worse."

There was a small puddle of tears on Alex's shirt.

"I don't remember how I even started, to be honest, but I do remember how I stopped. I decided life wasn't worth living anymore and took all the pills I had, along with any other pills I could find in the house. I don't know how I didn't die, but I sure as hell was close. The next day the cops came knocking on my Aunts door saying I hadn't been in school for so long that she could be fined $500. She made me go to school the next day, and I felt like shit, and looked like it too. I hadn't had any pills since I... tried to kill myself, so I was going through withdrawal along with the after effects of the overdose.

"One of my teachers noticed that I was sweating and shaking and she asked if I was sick. I said I wasn't, because I wasn't, but she pulled me after class. She knew. She just hugged me and told me I would make it through it. She made me stay with her during lunch and talk. I didn't talk for a while, but once I started, I couldn't stop. I told her everything about my parents, my aunt, my pills. She made me go to an addiction councilor, actually had the addiction councilor come to the school everyday for a while. She paid for it and arranged it so that I could go during her class. Then she'd stay after school to help me catch up on my schoolwork. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here. She's the reason I graduated and got into NCU. I worked like hell. I want to be that person for you. I want to help you get better. Addiction is a disease."

"I'm not addicted. I can stop anytime I want," Alex said, not aware that she sounded like everyone who ever was addicted to anything.

"From what you told me, it seems like you can't," Maggie said. Coming from anyone else, it would've sounded rude, but when Maggie said it, it was as far from rude as she could get.

Alex didn't say anything. She knew Maggie was right but she wasn't ready to admit it out loud yet.

They sat in quiet for about five minutes, comforting each other, when all of a sudden Maggie's stomach growled so loud the whole floor could probably hear.

"Maggie, when was the last time you ate?"

"Uhh... before I came over," Maggie said, trying to make it seem like it hadn't been over 24 hours since she last ate.

Alex searched the bed for her phone, but came up empty. "Where's my phone? I'm ordering you food." She felt bad for making Maggie go so long without eating. Had she even had anything to drink?

Maggie could see the clear panic on Alex's face and in an attempt to calm her down said "It's fine. I can order us food."

That did little to help because Alex didn't want food but didn't want to tell Maggie that. She didn't want her badgering her to eat. So, she attempted to casually say "No, I'm fine. This hangover is making me really not hungry."

"Come on Danvers, you haven't eaten since I've been here. I don't care if you’re not hungry. You're eating."

"Oh, so we're back to Danvers now, are we?" Alex said with a smirk. She was relieved the mood was lighter finally. Things had been really heavy since she woke up and she was glad to have things be less serious. “I think you can call me Alex now if you want, you know after you saved my life and all,” Alex joked, but Maggie didn’t find it funny. And with that, Alex kicked herself internally for ruining the mood.

“Chinese, pizza, or subs?” Alex asked, quickly trying to change the subject.

Maggie looked happy that Alex was seeming willing to eat now, but it was obvious that what Alex said affected her. “Definitely Chinese!” Maggie said, also seeming to try and lighten the mood.

Maggie told Alex what she wanted while she ordered on her laptop, phone still nowhere to be found. It said it would be about and hour wait.

They sat down on the couch, a little closer than necessary, but neither of them making a move to separate. “You know, I still think this is crazy. I’m at my professors apartment.”

Alex stayed quiet, not wanting to mention again that she wasn’t really her professor anymore. The TV wasn’t on but neither of them were bored. They just sat on the couch, their shoulders touching and their elbows brushing agains each other. Neither of them had on pants, but neither of them cared. Although, Alex was still mortified that Maggie saw her completely naked. Maybe it’d only be fair for her to see Maggie naked, she joked in her own head.

“You play?” Maggie asked, gesturing to the dark brown guitar in the corner.

“No, it’s just there for decor. Yes I play,” Alex said, suddenly feeling kinda shy. She didn’t like sharing that she played, but maybe Maggie should know. Maybe Maggie cared enough to learn about Alex. “I’ve been playing guitar since I was in seventh grade. I was in a music class where we learned and I’ve been playing since. I also may or may not play ukulele and piano too.”

Maggie got up and walked to the guitar and saw the ukulele hanging on the wall behind it. She grabbed the guitar carefully and carried it to Alex. “Play me something.”

“I haven’t seriously played in months.” Alex was very self conscious because she knew she’d be rusty, but she reluctantly grabbed it. The hopeful look in Maggie’s eyes was too much to say no to.

She plucked the strings, cringing at how out of tune they were. She spent a minute tuning it to the best of her ability and started strumming some chords. Maggie looked amazed, even when Alex messed up a chord or the strings buzzed when she failed a bar chord.

“Can you sing something?” Maggie asked. “Last night... this morning? Whenever it was, when we were watching Moana, I heard you singing along and you were really good, even drunk. Sooo, I figure you must be Beyoncé sober.”

Alex tried to hide her red face. She hated singing in front of people. She figured she wasn’t bad because she at least sounded good to herself, but she never liked doing it in public.

Trying to change the subject she said “Beyoncé is honestly really overrated.” She never got too into Beyoncé.

Maggie’s jaw dropped though the floor. “Beyoncé is a musical genius and she is absolutely perfect, aside from the fact that she isn’t married to me. But other than that, she is perfect!” Alex was trying as hard as she could to not laugh, but it was it working very well. “Now sing Kween, sing!” Maggie said in the most ridiculous voice.

Alex, not being able to understand what just happened, slowly lifted the guitar back into her lap. She grabbed the capo off the end and put it on the third fret. She fiddled with it, trying to stall as best she could, but Maggie was giving her a look.

She hesitantly cleared her voice and started plucking at the strings almost perfectly. She knew the song better than any other and her hands moved on their own, knowing exactly what to do. Even after months of not playing, this song was engraved into her memory.

“I’ve made up my mind  
Don’t need to think it over  
If I’m wrong I am right  
Don’t need to look no further  
This ain’t lust  
I know this is love, but”

Her voice shook with every word and she wanted to stop but she knew she couldn’t. She wasn’t looking at Maggie. She just stared down at the strings. By the time she was at the chorus, she had forgotten Maggie was there and she was lost in the song. This had been one of her favorite songs for years.

She finished the last few lines, her voice shaking again, and she put the guitar down but didn’t look at Maggie. Maggie wasn’t saying anything and Alex didn’t know what to think. Was she that bad?

Alex saw Maggie out of the corner of her eye slowly moving closer. She couldn’t see her face clearly, but a bit in her peripheral vision. Maggie grabbed Alex’s face and turned it to her slowly. They were eye to eye and Maggie laid her forehead against Alex’s. “Fuck Beyoncé,” Maggie whispered and, almost in slow motion, pressed her lips to Alex’s.

 

 


	9. Blind Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the title back to the original title rip

It happened in slow motion. It happened too quick to remember. It didn't happen at all but it was all so real.

  
It was almost on instinct that Alex leaned into it, her mind not able to process what was happening. She tried to make her brain work but it wouldn’t. She couldn’t tell how she felt, but she was responding on autopilot. She put her hand on Maggie’s cheek, desperately pulling herself closer.

Maggie pulled away for a second, but it felt like minutes. She rested her forehead back on Alex’s and locked eyes with her, silently asking for permission. Alex gave a slight nod. She didn’t remember telling herself to nod or whether or not she tried to stop it, but she nodded. It just happened and it was out of her control. It was like there was a fog in her mind and she couldn’t tell which way she was going.

Her mind was blind and her senses were heightened.

It could’ve been seconds or it could have been minutes that they kissed, but Alex was on Maggie’s lap, straddling her with her knees. Both hands were on Maggie’s cheeks and she couldn’t get enough.

Then Maggie was leaned back on her elbows and Alex’s shirt was lost, Maggie’s soon to follow.

Maggie’s hand had traveled to Alex’s underwear and she was starting to pull them off when there was a knocking on the door. Neither of them registered it until the knocking became harder and less patient. They both looked over, frozen in place. Neither of them moved for the door and when the knocking became even harder, it fell down with a bang, leaving an awkward teenage girl, holding two bags full of food, standing in shock.

From the doorway, there was a perfect view of the couch where there were two women, shirtless and out of breath. The girl’s face was beet red. She set down the food in the doorway and bolted, not bothering waiting to get paid.

There was about ten seconds of them sitting there, avoiding eye contact and breathing heavily before Alex awkwardly got off of Maggie to grab the food. She set the food on the island and went back to put the door up. She located her shirt, turned it right side out, and slipped it on over her head and Maggie took that as her que to do the same. It took her almost a full minute of scrambling around in her underwear to find it.

Alex stood awkwardly next to the food, staring at it for no reason in particular. Next thing she knew, a pair of joggers were being hurled at her face.

“Here” Maggie mumbled.

Alex realized she’d disassociated again, but she figured it hadn’t been that long. She looked at Maggie who was still wearing the NCU shirt she stole, but it was tucked into her own black skinny jeans. The leather belt made it look so much better; it tied the outfit together, other than the lack of shoes. Alex just noticed the chipped black nail polish Maggie was wearing and it made her mind somehow feel like it was spinning, but in a good way. Then she caught her eyes drifting from Maggies hand to her ass. Then she realized she had been staring at Maggie for a while. That seemed to be a reoccurring problem.

Alex cleared her throat and said “thanks,” awkwardly loud. She slipped on the joggers and did a little hop to get them over her heels, something she never really noticed she did until Maggie raised an eyebrow at her. Alex turned back to the food and took the several cartons out of the bags. She felt like she was going to suffocate and she wasn’t hungry anymore.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, trying to not stumble over her words as they flew out. She just needed to get away for a minute. She needed to breathe and having Maggie stare at her wasn’t helping.

She half jogged back to her room and half closed the door. She seemed to be doing everything halfway.

She sat on the edge of her bed and stared at her hands. She felt numb, like she could never feel again. She couldn’t figure out what happened. Well, it was obvious what had happened, but her brain couldn’t process it.

She felt like her head was about to explode - from too much thought rather than the hangover. There were so many thoughts that she couldn’t even register one before another came. Some bad and some slightly less bad. She felt her mind creeping towards the blackness of her brain that allowed no thought at all and she welcomed it. She needed a break. She’d deal with the thoughts later.

Alex almost screamed when Maggie started shaking her because it startled her so much. Maggie saw Alex flench, so she backed away. Alex was relieved that she moved and it was apparent on her face, but she also felt bad for possibly hurting her feelings.

“You want some of that food? There’s enough to feed the both of us for at least a couple of days. Not that I’m going to be here for that long. Unless you want me to. Not that I want to… not that I don’t want to either. I can leave if you want me to, but not yet because I want to make sure you’re okay. But I don’t want to stay a really long time or anything because that’s probably make you feel weird, not that I’d feel weird… there’s food…”

Alex almost started laughing at her rambling. Maggie, who was always so composed was rambling and tripping over her words. It was weird, to say the least. But she also thought it was really cute watching her cheeks turn red as she struggled to find the words.

“I’m not really hungry,” Alex said, ignoring the rest of what Maggie said. She knew her body was hungry, but she had no appetite.

“You haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. You really need to eat,” Maggie said, concern in her voice. The awkward, rambling person that was just there seemed to disappear and was replaced with a mature adult. Alex couldn’t find it within herself to lift her eyes off the floor.

“I don’t feel like eating right now.” She didn’t know how Maggie was acting so normal after what just happened. Was it not affecting her? Is that what normal, social people do? Kiss people then act like it never happened? She was being awkward a minute ago when she was rambling, but that was nothing compared to the inner turmoil Alex was feeling.

She felt the bed shift as Maggie sat next to her, no more than six inches away. Alex still didn’t look up from the sock that was sitting by her bed, but it was hard.

“Alex,” Maggie said, but she ignored her. “Alex, look here.”

She slowly lifted her head and looked at Maggie. Her hair was messy and her makeup had completely come off, but it looked anything but bad. Maggie locked eyes with her, but Alex couldn’t stop averting hers. All of a sudden she felt her eyes starting to water. She was so confused because she shouldn’t be seeing a girl like this. She was in no way homophobic, but she knew she wasn’t gay. But she also couldn’t deny how amazing she felt when she spent time with Maggie and how she kept finding herself staring at her. And that kiss. That kiss was fucking amazing. But she wasn’t gay. She never felt like this before. She was in her mid-twenties. She would know if she were gay!

She was biting her lip, trying to keep her eyes from watering, but it wasn’t working. She blinked and all of sudden Maggie was attached to her with a bear hug. She wasn’t used to hugs, so she didn’t exactly know how to do it very well. She awkwardly put her arms around Maggie, but ended up squeezing just as hard as her, if not harder. She tried not to cry, but she felt so safe that she couldn’t stop herself. She was being flooded with emotions and realizations and confusion.

It started with just a couple of tears, but it didn’t take long for the dam to break and she was sobbing into Maggie’s shoulder. Maggie wasn’t asking questions or being weird about it. She was just there and that’s all Alex needed.

When she calmed down from ugly cry to just soft sobs she noticed Maggie’s hand had been rubbing circles on her back. It was comforting in a way Alex had never felt. It took awhile, but she finally stopped crying. Maggie pulled back but grabbed Alex’s hands so she’d still have the much needed comfort.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’,” Alex said, chuckling a little bit. Maggie didn’t look amused. “Fine. Um… I’m just really confused. So uh… I-I’m straight. But… well I feel um not straight with you? I don’t like women. I like bo-men, but you’re not that… but I think I like you.”

Alex’s hands were so sweaty but Maggie didn’t seem to care. She wasn’t judging. She was listening closely and it encourage Alex to go on.

“I thought it was maybe just a friend crush thingy, but that kiss, god that kiss! Maggie I’ve never felt like that before and now I’m so confused! I mean I never was a romantic person, but I’ve liked guys. And now that I think about it, I was never that physically attracted to them. It was always their personalities. But I never liked them as more than friends, but dating someone who you like as a friend is better than nothing, right? I’m just contradicting myself now. Crap. But I’m not gay. I would know… wouldn’t I?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I suck at updating after this, but the first chapter of my SuperCorp fix is up. It also is about suicide and whatnot, but it’ll be completely different than this.


	10. Important

Hey, I’m having a really hard time wrong the next chapter for some reason. This story has kind of died in my head because I went so long without really thinking about it. I would write in this when I was feeling particularly shitty, but I’ve been really happy recently, which just isn’t good for this. I’m rereading the chapters and cringing at how badly written they are and I’m just no sure if I want to continue. I want to keep writing, but this one just isn’t going anywhere in my head. If anyone wants to take over this, I can send you the chapters and you can continue on, just credit me for what I wrote. 

Email me at thenssharp@gmail.com  
(I made the email years ago, so yes it’s cringy)

Just tell me your account name and I’ll check you out before handing it over. I want to make sure someone who will actually do good with it takes it, is that makes any sense. 

Well until next time I guess! I’m going to upload the first chapter of my new fic soon, and sorry all y’all sanvers fans, but this one’s an agentreign.

**Author's Note:**

> Give me da kudos and comment. I love reading comments and responding to them! Also don’t be scared to subscribe or bookmark this(idk why you would be scared??)


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